I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
