Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
