I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
