What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
