but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
