Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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