I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And then he peed in my hair
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