Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
