I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
