I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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