he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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