On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize