i already hear my dad disowning me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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