Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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