I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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