We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
