The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
