he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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