I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
