Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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