its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
