I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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