I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
