Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
