So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
