I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
