dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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