I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize