there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
