Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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