i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize