I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
