So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
