I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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