Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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