The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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