I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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