i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
