i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
