she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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