Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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