I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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