Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
