so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
