I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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