I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
