I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
