Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
