Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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