Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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