I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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