I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
