Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
