Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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