I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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