made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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