Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
