just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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