You're my little dorito
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
