My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
