I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
