I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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