i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I want to be your penis for a week.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
