Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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