Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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