When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
