I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
