Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
not ubering you a puppy
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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