Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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