Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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