What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
